This week’s blog is about some basic questions I use regularly to help me and my clients get really clear on what we are wanting to achieve together for them. We refer to this as their goal or outcome.
I think questions, used wisely, are one of the more powerful tools for change. Put simply – because a good question requires someone to engage their intellect and/or imagination and having come to some understanding they embrace that answer as something they created, a conclusion they have come to rather than been informed of.
Here are some of my favourite questions and a little explanation
What do you want?
Ok so usually I'll use a softer version of this along the lines of 'what is it that I can help you with today?' !
Let us consider a simple answer – ‘I’d like to be more confident when I meet new people’.
Here is what I immediately notice about this answer….
- The goal is positive – they want more of something good
- The goal is about a feeling
- The goal is about them
- It involves other people
- There is a context, a situation – ‘meeting new people’
- There is a presupposition that they already have some confidence (they want ‘more’)
Obvious stuff eh?
If the goal was not positive, say they said ‘I want to feel less nervous’, I would suggest they switch it around. If the goal was about what other people were doing to annoy/irritate/scare/stress them I would switch this to focus on how they are responding to that other person's actions.
The context gives me a specific situation I can use in therapy whether this is in role play or hypnotically enhanced imagination; it gives me a mental place to test the initial level of anxiety and its reduction as therapy progresses.
The big problem with this so far is it is all a bit vague and subjective – what exactly does ‘be more confident’ mean to that client? To you it may mean not feeling nervous, to me it may mean appearing confident and outgoing, to the client it may mean something else or a combination of these and more. I need to know what we are shooting for and not assume. So I ask…
How will you know when you have got it?
This is one of those questions that typically makes the client stare at you blankly at least for a moment. It is probably not what they were expecting – which in itself is good as we now already have the client thinking about their goal from a slightly different viewpoint.
They have to get specific – what will they be doing, feeling, thinking that is different to what they do, feel, think now?
In addition to having them get more specific about their goal, asking this question has a very useful side effect. Think what you would have to do in order to answer that question – you would have to engage your imagination, go forward in time to a point where you have achieved your outcome so you can then imagine what you will be doing, feeling and thinking.
What will achieving this goal give you?
This is a motivational question – let us list all the ways your life is going to be better when you achieve this goal. So if you are more confident (to return to my example) you will perhaps make new friends, build relationships and make yourself more open to attract social, business and other opportunities?
What will not achieving this goal cost you?
So – what is the cost of the ‘do nothing’ option? What will you lose or fail to achieve, attract into our life. If the previous question gave you a bit more carrot then this is the proverbial stick.
What will achieving this goal cost you?
So I am not talking about the hypnotherapy fees and the time spent working on your goal here!
What are the things that you value that you will lose because you have achieved your outcome?
So perhaps people close to you know that you are nervous about meeting new people and look after you in many loving ways. Perhaps they protect you, if only by not considering involving you in situations you would find problematic.
Perhaps you avoid them yourself and in some way this means you have an easy self-justification for passing on events you are not keen to attend?
People with some issue requiring therapeutic help will often be supported by those around them; once the issue is dealt with then that love and support associated with the issue is unnecessary and disappears. This can be perceived as a loss.
Generally, this idea that there can be positive aspects to a negative issue is an important concept in therapy called ‘Secondary Gain’. Unless dealt with, which can be as simple as being aware of it by asking this question, it can be an obstacle to success as the client clings to the positive aspects of their problem.
This can also reveal the ways in which you are shielded from your problem and thus restricted in your ability to find better ways to cope with it or even overcome it
What will not achieving this goal give you?
This is in the same vein as the last question, this is the benefit of the ‘do nothing’ option.
Straight up we can see the benefit – we don’t have to do anything, we can relax. We can be comforted in that way where we feel certain about who we are and what we can and can’t do. Especially our limitations.
This is one of the reasons that in therapy we like to get clear on the outcome and the benefits – to balance against the cost and effort of change, of the possible discomfort of doing something different.
Finally
My final point is that all these questions are about honesty and clarity. They are not some exercise in self-motivation or self-delusion so we can go gung-ho for the goal.
They are about getting real. What do you really want? How will you know when you have go it? What will you gain, what will you lose if you succeed or fail. Let’s get our case for change clear.